It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn
by MidnightLumos
Summary: Loosely based on Florence and the Machine's 'Shake it Out'. Santana comes home for the Christmas holiday's to attempt to reconcile with Brittany. But how will she feel about Brittany's new relationship? And how does Brittany feel about Santana? Short story.
1. Chapter 1

_Regrets collect, like old friends_

You pull the zip of your white leather jacket up as far as it will go before wrapping your arms around your chest and hugging yourself tight. You'd forgotten how cold Ohio winters could be. But coming back would be worth it. You hope.

You find yourself standing on the pathway, looking up at the house you spent the majority of your freshman year in. You suppress a shiver as your heart beats faster, but for the first time it's not out of nervous excitement; it's out of fear. You take a deep breath to calm your nerves but when you let it out, it's shaky and suddenly you don't want to do this anymore. You're not ready for this. You shouldn't have come back. With one last glance at the place that used to be your sanctuary, you turn around and walk back down the path.

"Santana."

The soft voice freezes you. You stop walking and slowly turn around to see Brittany's silhouette framing the doorway. The light from her house illuminates her face and confusion fills her features. Her brow is furrowed and all you want to do is smooth the lines away with your fingers. But you can't anymore. You gave away that right. After a few moments you tentatively step towards her, the clicking of your heels breaking the painful silence.

"Hello." You say delicately when you're half way up the path. Your eyes are fixed on her face.

"What are you doing here?" she asks. She doesn't say it harshly, which surprises you; in fact she's still speaking with her soft voice. But it hurts all the same. The fact that she even has to ask this question of you makes you cringe internally. She should be happy to see you, she should want you here. But you took it all away.

You walk all the way up to the front door so that you're finally face to face with her. She looks beautiful with her hair tied back and in her sweats. Her bright blue eyes are studying you and you take it as a good sign that she hasn't slammed the door in your face.

"I came back to see you," you begin, "to talk."

She just stares at you, not uttering a word, so you try again.

"I _really_ want to talk Britt. I think we need to."

You can hear the own desperation in your voice and you wince. You didn't want to show her how much you hurt; you wanted to be strong. For the both of you.

She folds both arms over her chest and leans against the door frame in defiance. The serious look on her face would make you smile in another situation but you know for the first time, she's not joking.

"Fine." She says, staring unblinkingly into your eyes. "Let's talk."

You stare incredulously at her for a few seconds before smirking and saying,

"Err, Britt… It's absolutely freezing out here. I think I'll turn into a snowman if I stay out here much longer." You smile up at her, irrationally hoping that maybe she'll smile back.

But she's looking out into the night as if she's just realized where they are and for the first time this evening, her features have softened. The snow behind you is coming down thick and fast now, and you watch as Brittany follows the fall of the snowflakes with her eyes. Slowly she sticks her hand out in front of you and catches one in the palm of her hand. You both watch as the tiny snowflake melts into a pool of water and you look up to see her staring at you. The soft look is gone and her eyes are clouded with pain and it breaks your heart. And suddenly you remember last Christmas and how you spent the entire holiday at Brittany's side, proudly showing off your new girlfriend. You remember the first snow of the season and how Brittany was so excited, she ran outside in just her pyjamas and you spent the better part of the morning trying to warm her up with blankets and hot chocolate. But you didn't mind one bit. And when you look into her eyes, you just know she's remembering it too.

Suddenly she clenches her hand into a fist and she brings it down to her side. And when the serious look returns, you sigh silently.

"I guess you'd better come in then." She says before turning away and starting up the stairs. "But take your shoes off. My mum'll kill me if you get the carpet dirty."

You wait until she's disappeared upstairs before you make your way inside. You shut the front door before the house gets any colder and then you sit on the bottom step. As you take your shoes off, you marvel at all the Christmas decorations littering the hallway. You smile because you're glad some things don't change.

After your shoes are off, you slowly make your way upstairs and into Brittany's bedroom. She's huddled up on her window seat and it takes all your restraint to not walk over and curl up into her. She doesn't turn to look at you as you sit down at the edge of her bed. Her forehead is pressed up against the glass and her finger is grazing patterns over it.

She closes her eyes for a second before turning to look at you. There's a look in her eyes that you can't quite place and it scares you. You thought you knew everything about her. And when you realize the look she's giving you is anger, you don't think you can hate yourself more.

"So," she starts suddenly, jolting you from your musings. "Let's talk."

_And I've been a fool and I've been blind._

_I can never leave the past behind._


	2. Chapter 2

_And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope_

You stare at her for a second before speaking.

"I… I've been thinking and I realized I never really gave you a good explanation about why I… err…"

You can't bring yourself to say the words. That _you_ ended it with her. But it doesn't matter, she knows what you meant. She scoffs and turns back to look out the window.

"Brittany, I'm sorry. I thought it was for the best."

"Yeah? Well, it wasn't."

She doesn't even turn to look at you when she answers and the bluntness hits you like a dull knife through the heart. You stare at her, momentarily lost for words. Her attitude since you arrived on her doorstep is making you finally realize how much everything has hurt her and you're angry at yourself. You think of everything you put her through Junior year and now you've basically gone and done it all again.

"Shit," you whisper.

She's still looking out the window when you get up and go sit next to her on the couch. You sit down in the available space and the fact she doesn't flinch soothes your growing nerves. Your hand reflexively goes to comfort her but you pull it back. Somehow you don't think she'll appreciate it.

"Look Brittany," you begin softly. "I didn't think we were working anymore. I couldn't be there for you when you needed me and then when I came down to see you, you were distant."

She turns to look at you then, and her eyes look sad. She finally moves away from the window and pulls her knees up to her chest. Then she props her chin on them, looking at you expectantly. You sigh.

"Long distance relationships are hard Britt, and I didn't think we were capable of making it work. But then, afterwards…" You pause for a split second before continuing. "Afterwards," you try again, and you reach out to grab Brittany's hand. She doesn't pull away and it gives you strength. "I realized we can do anything. You and me. We could have made it work. And I feel like an idiot for letting you go for no good reason. I am so sorry Brittany. I love you." You smile because you've never said something so true in your entire life. "I love you and I-I want to try again. Please Britt. Please." You look at her expectantly.

You watch as Brittany uses her free hand to wipe away the few tears that have slid down her cheeks. The silence stretches on and neither of you speak. She's not looking at you, but at her hands, and you have the oddest feeling that she's bracing herself for something. You stare at her curiously and as each second passes, you get more and more nervous and a sick feeling begins growing in your stomach. There's something wrong, you just know it.

"Britt?" you ask hesitantly.

She looks up you and her eyes are hard. All traces of tears have vanished. She pulls her hand out from underneath yours and stands up abruptly.

"Santana, I'm with Sam now."

Time seems to freeze. You feel like your chest has caved in on itself and you're struggling to breathe. You stare at her incredulously as she taps her foot impatiently, nervously, on the carpet. You're sure you heard her wrong.

"Err… what?" you force out.

After a minute of her staring at you hard, she sighs and sits back down next to you.

"I'm kinda with Sam now." She speaks softer now, reiterating what you said before. And now you're sure you're about to throw up all over her carpet. "He was being the sweetest guy and I was… lonely." She looks away for a second.

"I-I just don't understand… Why?" you stammer out. Your brain has gone fuzzy and you can't focus on one coherent thought.

"You told me I could date anyone. You have no right to be mad." She replies harshly, almost accusingly. You curse yourself to Hell and back for saying something so ridiculous.

You look at her and you see the anger and hurt etched into every feature. That's your fault. _All_ your fault. You think maybe you deserved this ending. You'd be an idiot and ruined everything so what right did you have to think you could fix it so quickly and simply? You sigh quietly. Maybe she was better off with Sam. He was a decent guy, one of the good ones. And all you ever wanted for Brittany was to be happy and loved, even if you couldn't be the one to give it to her. You start to stand up before she interrupts you.

"Where are you going?" she questions, staring at you with confusion.

You stand up fully and take a step away from the window seat.

"I know a lost cause when I see one Brittany." You attempt a smile but it's forced and falls flat. You turn away and make your way towards the door.

"You're supposed to be my best friend, Santana."

She says it so quietly you almost miss it. You turn back to look at her and the disappointment on her face cuts right through you.

"I don't think I can be _just_ your friend Britt. It hurts too much."

You're determined to walk out the door this time because this is all just too painful. You don't care that it's rude and that it looks like you're giving up. You need to get out and give yourself time to think. You're almost out the door before you hear a bark of laughter behind you filled with such contempt that you stop.

"Walking away again, are we Santana?" You turn to face her and she's stood up with her hands balled into fists at her sides and a look in her eyes that screams resentment. "Am I that easy to walk away from? Do I mean so little to you that you can just walk away and forget everything we were? Everything we are?"

_Looking for Heaven_

_Found the Devil in me_


End file.
